Personal Diary

First Diary

Some things going on in my mind.

Beauty Girl

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Photo by Louis Galvez on Unsplash

3.1.2023

Dear Self,

I have been dealing with a lot on my mind lately, and honestly, I don’t know what it is that I am doing right or wrong. I am now on Day 16 of being single, actually getting out of a very Manipulative and emotionally draining relationship. I don’t know know what it was truly about the relationship that tore me to the point of not feeling emotions anymore but the strain of the abusive mentally Manipulative relationship where everything seemed like my fault has really taken a toll on me.

I am now trying to gain a part of myself somewhere in my mind that allows me to function and get back to reality per se, but I really am having a hard time accomplishing that. I feel whole, complete but empty inside like a part of me is missing. I would never go back to that relationship after she threaten my kids and that is where my line was finally crossed.

I am now trying to move forward but it feels so strange when the world around me is empty, alone in the house, alone in my head, and with no one to talk to as to the loss of all my friends because of my transition. I feel like I don’t know what I am supposed to do, I am on SSDI, for assortments of reasons like anxiety and depression, but I can’t get a job because I have 2 kids and I need to be able to watch them, especially with my little one — 11 years old — calling out quite often. Where do I go next?

So I have been cleaning my house and making it look better, but I feel like my energy is just now hitting that point where it is losing the energy of finally breaking free of a horrible relationship. Loving someone like that is more taxing on your mind than you could ever imagine.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am worth it, that someone out there will want me, and that it will be okay. However, that is so hard when you are looking at 4 walls almost every day, scared of being alone, and most of all worried that you did something wrong, even though you know it was the right decision. No one should be in a manipulative relationship no matter how much you love someone it is not really love.

I woke up, and at first, I didn’t have the urge to cry, now I am feeling like it is almost harder now to not cry, not bring up the emotions inside that are so cold, like a frozen heart that is slowly cracking and falling apart. I know my kids love me, and I know that they are there for me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am still so alone inside my own head, my house when they are not around and just trying to figure out what to do.

When I have only been 6 months single after 18 years, it was like a strange scary feeling of being alone, being without someone to talk to, having that loving touch, having bedroom time, enjoying life together, basically giving me a purpose. Now that I am single the days seem like endless emptiness.

I am trying, I am fighting for every single step, fighting for me, trying to find me but that is something that I have yet to find I know it is still early but it is something that is going to take a lot of work. I just don’t know how to accomplish finding myself now.

Is there really a way to live happily as a single girl? Maybe it is possible, maybe I will find my way but right now it is the entire process of healing because I was traumatized so badly and I don’t know if I am still drowning in emotions or swimming to the surface. I guess I will figure it out one day.

Sincerely,

Beauty Girl

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Beauty Girl

Primarily Talking About Trans folk Topics and LGBTQ+ Support. Occasionally off-topic for other matters. “She/her”